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A Moment in My Mind

April 6, 2019

 

When we are in a relationship we sometimes lose who we are as a person.  As individuals we find ourselves putting our needs, wants, and desires to the back while putting others at the forefront. This becomes more evident if you are in a marriage and have children.

 

As a mother and while I was a wife I found myself putting everyone else above myself.  The children and my then husband came first! Before I would do anything for myself, their needs took center stage.  

 

As the marriage came to a close I found myself lost; not knowing who I was anymore. I was scared to go out alone. Simples things like going to the grocery store became a challenge I would feel myself getting anxious to be out in public.

 

You see…I had given so much control of my life over to my husband that I lost who I was as an individual. It didn’t help that my ex was a control freak and somewhat obsessive. Looking back it was easy to see how I got so lost in him and his desires and totally forgot who I was as an individual. He was never really physically abusive as much as he was verbally abusive. He tore me down with his words keeping me in a glass box so broken that he was the only one that had the key to get me out.

 

Once the marriage ended, I had to face the reality that I had forgotten who I was before him and the children. I found myself leaning on my oldest daughter for that confidence to venture out and find myself again. I also turned to God for guidance. With God’s help, I started on a road of recovery to begin to find myself again. Taking baby steps, I stared to venture out on my own. I remember my first time going to the grocery store. I literary stood in the middle of the store and felt like the world was spinning around me. I didn’t know what to buy and I found myself purchasing the things he would buy. Quickly I put a stop to that. I desperately wanted to be my own person again. So I purposely bought everything differently than what we would buy collectively. I didn’t want his influence to continue to control me; he was no longer in the picture and I needed to do me.

 

This is a process and you have to be patient with yourself. You have to forgive yourself. Which was hard at first; because I found myself getting angry for allowing someone to have that much control and influence on my life.  I was young when I meet my ex, I didn’t know who I was. When you don’t know who you are as an individual you tend to settle for anything.

 

I should have listen to my mother who told me; “That is not the guy for you...”, but I didn’t listen.  I remember clearly the day I called her and asked for forgiveness for not taking her advice as my mother. She so kindly and lovingly told me; “Darling we all have to learn in our own time.”

 

I had to remember who I was and who’s I was. It took a while. But with the right mindset and support I was able to start on the road to finding me again.  I’m there now; doing what I want when I want. Calling the shots in my personal walk. I’m back in school, something I told myself I wouldn’t do again. And going back to school was the best decision I could have ever made. I’m back to my social butterfly self, meeting new people, learning new things and just being me; before all this madness started.

 

I love the woman God has created in me. I’m loving, giving when I choose to and just being my happy-go-lucky self.

 

In conclusion. My best advice I can give you is look for someone with whom you can remain your natural self. Someone who accepts you for who you are.  Because God made you just the person he want you to be. Don’t try to ever think you can change someone, if you can’t accept them for who they are walk away! Find someone that brings out the best in you and someone who can teach you something new.

 

Your friend

Hennessy Rose

 

 

 

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